COSMIC TRANSLATION CLASS 11 - THE OHMWAT GENERATOR


  In an executive home on the shore of the Rideau River, circ. 1983.

 (The ohmwatt generator was actually a piece of electronnic looking clunk
  bought for a buck from an electronics second hand clearing center. It
  had a half a dozen electronnic parts on it and that was it, once an extra
  circuit board for a cheap small mantle test tube radio. It had two thick
  wires coming out. The end of one was jambed into a hole in the back of
  my Harmon Karmon amplifyer, the other wire wrapped just once around
  one of the speaker wires where it passed on the shelf. The whole thing
  was a dud not a watt of juice moved through it it was nothing. But, it
  and the black box sitting nearby, bore the weight of heavy incorporations
  in the invention and technology end of the unusual degree of a better
  kind of stereo sound I was producing during this demo for Colin).

     We wanted to show a demonstration to the next door neighbor, the
  business manager of the Atomic Energy Commission, but were worried
  about keeping secrets secret. So I headed out to a place that sold
  old electronic parts from junk bins for pennies, and pulled out a
  2 1/2  x  2 1/2 inch piece of electronics with a few resisters and
  other very tecky looking things attached to it, and for a dollar,
  headed home with the device, and soldered two paired speaker lead
  transparant wires sticking from it, and stuck the other ends of
  the wires into an open slot behind the Harmon Karmon very expensive
  amplifyer being used at that time, then we called the next door neighbor
  over, pointed straight to the device sitting next to the Harmon Karmon
  amplifyer with important looking wires leading into the back of it, and
  told him the stunning impact of the new stereo sound he was listening
  to, was due to the super secret 'OHM-WATT GENERATOR', pointing to the
  piece of high tech junk sitting beside the amplifyer in a tiny, but
  important looking way, on a shelf next to the obviously expensive
  Harmon Kardon power amplifyer. Buttons were pushed, and sounds
  changed, and the house filled with resonances, and I kept pointing
  to the little device getting off on the lark saying things like
  "pretty impressive, eh", pointing to the device.

     Like I said, the whole thing was my idea. "Let's call it an ohmwatt
  generator", said I. "There is no such thing", I was told. "Who cares",
  said I, "we have to call it SOMETHING"!

     'OHM-WATT GENERATOR'?, the next door neighbor muttered many
  times, deep in thought, every time we pointed out the existence
  of this unique device, as being the reason for the existence of
  the amazing stereophonic sound, as we did our demo for him, he
  being a professional engineer knowing full well that something
  was up, but not anything he could put his finger on, because the
  'OHM-WATT GENERATOR'?, looked like something that should WORK.

     And so we arrive back in history to the present time, today,
  circ. mid August, 1995.

     Well, at this moment, the famed 'OHM-WATT GENERATOR'? is hanging
  by a couple of straight pins, in the hallway of my place in Orleans
  East of Ottawa, as a decoration. I came across it the other day
  when rummaging through a box upstairs looking for hexagon shaped
  objects. Just the fact of it hanging there on the hall wall has
  made me remember those early days twelve years ago, when I concieved
  and staged the only deception ever undertaken by by me in my life, in
  the device named the 'OHM-WATT GENERATOR', which in fact completely
  fooled the engineer who lived next door on the Rideau River 12 years
  ago, because he never for an instant questioned that fact that the
  device had something to do with the amazing new clarity he was
  hearing in stereophonic sound was due to the device, even
  though the device itself consisted of nothing but a piece
  of guts from an old test tube radio, bought for a buck
  from a junk bin in a high tech clearing house, and
  one of its wires was simply shoved into a hole
  in the back of a Harmon Karmon Power
  Amplifyer, and the other wire
  tied to two speaker leads,
  all that was needed to
  make it look
  HOOKED UP.

      Yes indeed, the OHM-WATT GENERATOR
      lived, and was a complete success!

      P.S. regards the next door neighbor who was given the demonstration.

      This Atomic Energy Commission business administrating engineer was
  a research type himself. He raised the garage attached to his house, and
  had its underneath and the most of the driveway dug out by giant back hoe,
  moved the garage far forward onto the driveway, built an addition to the
  side of the house where the garage used to be, and the whole of the below
  ground new space under the addition, under the garage, and under the again
  covered driveway, was turned into a workshop and who knows what he was
  doing down there with all of that new space, underground. But I am sure
  it was interesting because he was no dummy. In fact the RCMP turned up
  at my door one afternoon asking very suspicious questions about him but
  said it was just due to his routine regular five year job renual, and I
  was at the utmost best of my wits to try and answer all questions to the
  RCMP in ways not to cast the slightest doubt toward my next door neighbor,
  because there was not a thing I was aware of that would make me want to
  say anything otherwise.

      Regards that next door neighbor circ. 1983, and our side by side houses:

      Tent catapillars had started creeping up the shore line of the
  Rideau River from Manitok, four klicks to the south, and by the summer
  of the third year of my rental of the home, had hit on one of the
  giant willow trees lining the shore of the Rideau on the property
  of this next door neighbor. But had not yet reached my giant willow
  trees, no worms were yet in my branches. So one afternoon I went out
  with a rope with a large knot tied to the end, and threw it over the
  infected branches on a couple of the trees two doors over, and managed
  to pull those branches down, with thanks from that neighbor, then moved
  to the willow trees next door, but try as I did, I could not get the
  rope up over the most infected branch on one of his giant trees, a
  branch that hung out high in the air over his boat dock. I tried
  all afternoon without success, and the next day the next door
  neighbor was out the entire afternoon and evening, trying
  one thing then another, including tall ladder, to get a
  rope slung over the branch completely infected with
  tent catapillars, without success. As the sun set,
  he was still out there on his dock, trying. The next
  day I happened to glance out and saw a huge branch of
  silked folliage lying on his dock and him standing there,
  in karki shorts, looking down at it. Out I went to inquire
  as to how he had managed to pull the branch down. "I don't know",
  was his reply, "I came out to study the problem, and what do you
  think happened, the branch just suddenly fell from the tree to the
  dock, I didn't do a single thing". And so, there were both of us,
  standing on his dock, looking down at this huge bundle of foliage,
  both deep in thought, wondering.

  One last remark about this rented house. After three years of research,
  inside, the wall to wall carpets were a mess. Normal vacumm cleaners had
  no effect whatsoever, what with wood fibres, and small pieces of wire
  ends cut and clipped as research went on, every kind of debre littering
  the broadloom carpeting.

  Finally an Electrolux industrial vacumm cleaner was purchased, with an
  industrial strength rug beater, it had been used as a demo model so the
  purchase was made with a substantial discount. And it worked. The rug
  beater roared, and things just disappeared from the carpet. Boy what a
  luxury for house cleaning a research site. And then it came time to leave.
  The owners were retiring from the Iron Ore of Canada mine the fellow had
  been head of, and the house was to be extensively renovated before they
  moved in. A young architect arrived from Toronto with a suitcase and
  sleeping bag and spread the sleeping bag out on the living room floor,
  stayed there for two days planning, before getting to work, giving us
  time to truck all of the house and research contents to Almonte using
  a U-HAUL closed small box trailer behind the car, load after load.
  However, that last sentence is just filler for the story.

  The story is that by the time we were ready to vacate, the wall
  to wall carpeting was a grimy mess, despite the industrial Electrolux
  vacumm cleaner. So, the heaviest duty carpet cleaner money could rent
  was picked up from the rental store and for a whole day every square
  inch of the broadloom carpets were steam cleaned until they gleamed
  as if brand new. And then, the final thing said by the young architect
  as we were leaving with the last load of cargo, was, that the very
  first thing he was going to do, starting the next day, was to strip
  out all of the broadloom, and, in fact, did we want it. We could come
  back in a couple of days and pick up all of it for free, if we wanted.
  My brother and I looked at each other and went blink blink blink a
  few times remembering the work it took to steam clean the carpets to
  perfection the day before the architect arrived, then all three of us,
  we started to laugh.


  (-finished-)

  greydie@look.com